Monday, March 29, 2004

no buzz list 

strangely i'm in a really good mood now, i just met the greatest band in the world & saw them in concert at clutch durstos. so consider this criticism to be toned down a notch, i'm still glowing from the buzz.

1.) franz ferdinand- wtf is this shite? after seeing this band cause multiple orgasms all-over nyc blogs, i decided to see what all the fuss was about. i picked up their self-titled lp debut a couple day's ago. i didn't even make it past 30 seconds into the 4th track, matinee(?) before flinging this ephing back-alley abortion of a cd out the window of my moving car going 75 on i-94. sounds like a worse version of every other good nyc band the past couple years. normally the shitty cd's i buy are used as coasters or as flying discs to amuse myself when i'm drunk. not so much.

just cos they're a new band w/ 80's retro sound, doesn't mean that they don't blow hermit crab genitals. it certainly does not imply that they have any retrobuzz, cos they don't. obvs i don't get the nyc centered infatuation w/ these ephing tourists. can all 5 strokes members no longer get it up? can some blogger hook-up julian & co w/ some enhancers, like viagra or the 2 other leading brands?

worst name evs as well--archduke, the heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire? might as well be called 'Hello Kitty' fcs. maybe bloggers are challenging themselves to see which crappy new bands they can inflate to legend status. maybe it's an inside joke on morons (like myself) to see if all their 'buzz' can induce someone to buy a mediocre band's cd. throw tv on the radio in this same class. largely unlistenable. terrible singer. whatevs. if you do like these bands, cool. if not, cool. it's not like my opinion that they blow means that you yourself do. it just means that your taste in music in these isolated cases suck leprechaun genitals. don't even get me started on the america jr bloggers (jr varsity canadians).

2.) scooby doo 2- the first one was hands-down the WORST MOVIE EVER. who's the genius who decided to spend another $50 some mill's to try & make an even worse movie w/ a sequel? probably the most unness sequel since men in black II , & the worst since caddyshack II. not even the lovely smg gives this movie any redeeming quality. 1st off her douchebag husband is in it, & 2nd'ly her douchebag husband is it. mmm mmmWORST

3.) WHAM!, the musical- the duo of george michael & andy ridgeley are shopping rights to a musical featuring the the music of Wham!. if this ever happens, please call dr. jack & get me one of his suicide machines. just the thought makes me reach for sharp objects laying around the house. sfdurst.
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 c'mon people!

4.) richard simmons- for shame richard. you always seem like a good sport on letterman when all dave does is make fun of you the entire time. cited for misdemeanor assault 3/24 for slapping another passenger who made a sarcastic remark about one of his exercise videos: 'Hey everybody It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s'. you're washed-up richard. you should have just followed that jerk's lead- laugh, & then yell 'c'mon everyone!' & kicked it right into 'sweating to the oldies', vol 3 stizz. you'd be shooting car-chase movies w/ dom deloiuse & burt reynolds as we speak.

5.) more zombie movies- while the world needs more rob zombie movies, it does not need anymore (non-rob) zombie movies. 'the dawn of the dead'--the title alone is a rip-off of the 2003 zombie cult classic 'house of the dead', which was totally best btw. resident evil, 28 days later, house of the dead, etc. how many more re-hashes of the exact same premise can we possibly need? i say none. unless it's a follow-up to 'house of the dead'.

6.) anonymous blogs- if you don't have the stones to bash peeps w/out the front of the 'blog dish', you have absopure'ly no buzz in my book. if you're going to call someone's stuff shite, do it it as yourself, not as some faceless douchebaggio. that being said, i think it's still pretty funny, & obvs it's done by an insider they're all friends with.

7.) ryan seacrest- not that he's ever had any buzz, he's just getting into the 7th circle of worstness. on 'american idol' & his talk show, he's been using the phrases 'seacrest in', 'seacreast out' & 'and we're live...that's your queue everybody'. trying to replace durst as worst.

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