Saturday, April 17, 2004

happy 37th, go drink some sparks 

damore, i luv sparkssaturday mornings, no buzz when you're at work.

happy birthday to liz phair, who turned 37 today. is there a hotter 37 yr old mom? somewhere uncle grambo is writing love haiku's to post on whatevs in her honor today.

good luck w/ those, i hope they end up better than the one's you wrote for bynes when she turned 18 & better than the current rough drafts for the olsen twins' 613 b-day celebration. shmears.

Friday, April 16, 2004

welcome to the onyx whore-tel 

onyx whore-tel
if you hate long stories w/ no pay-off, or don't like damore rants or britney, i suggest you skip this piece.

as reported yesterday, i went to the britney spears onyx whore-tel show at the palace on weds. i knew it was going to be hott when we stopped at 7-11 close to the venue & hottness was totally revealed. girls' totally slutted out, brit stizz. we bought a couple 40's, a sixer, & grumbo bought some pez dispensers for the ladies, which ended up being better than curly fries.

parking was an absurd $15, but well worth it. the lot was filled w/ hotties from 18-25 age demo. driving through the lot, it was like parting the red sea, except instead of water, this was pure hottness. pre-show partying boasted drinking 40's, tailgating surrounded by scores of under-21 hott girls. i ended up having an extra ticket to the show, so i was walking into the epicenter of hottness trying to sell the xtra. most had tix, or needed 2 tix together. 1 white-hott young milf (wearing a blond britney wig) needed 2 for her & her son. i couldn't part w/ both, so i had to pass.

the 2 horrible openers (kellis & someone as terrible) were winding down & we started to make our way up to the entrance. girls were getting their cameras taken by security left & right, & had to take them back to their cars. a trio of 20 year-old hottness asked me to take a few pics of them, & i happily obliged. after digging around for my tix for a moment, i realized i didn't have my tix w/ me after all. i thought i probably forgot them at home. these 3 vixens had extras, & offered me a free club level ticket to the show. how best is that? i checked back in the car & ended up finding my tix afterall. i decided to sell my 2 tix, & keep the single.

i was just about to say eph it & eat the 2 tix, when the hott young milf & luggage came up & asked to buy 2 tix from me. i cut them a break, $80 for both. best, paid for 1 ticket, & kicked $10 toward the cost of my ticket price. i met up w/ the FOW crew pre-britney, then attempted to sit w/ seantizz & grambo, but that was thwarted when the persons i sold tix to rolled up. so i went to sit w/ the 3 vixens & their friends. as a nice gesture, i bought them a round of beers to say thx for the ticket. they were pretty wasted already, & excited to get drinks. the girls were partying hardcore, & totally rolled-out the welcome mat for me big time.

we're having a good time, & then the losers next to us started talking shite to us about being in the wrong seats & crowding them, blah blah blah. we were in the right sect/row, but some db's had taken our specific seats. the girls i was w/ went ape-shit on the other girls, saying, 'what's your damage? f*cking relax, it's a britney spears' concert, just f*cking shut-up & party!'. that went over real well, & a majorly hott catfight was about to ensue. the token drunk db they were w/ started talking shit to me, & i'm like 'sit down junior & shut the f*ck up. just party man.' the tension was getting pretty heavy, then the girls started talking more shit to eachother, which was hilarious. finally, the girls in our seats moved to their own seats, & an auburn hills back-alley abortion was averted.

smoking cig's, dancing w/ these party girls was a major perk. overall the show/set list was pretty much the same as the blowtime special from a couple wks ago. i was distracted the entire show, so i don't remember the set-list (i know toxic was 1st, baby one more time was 3rd & was slow & jazz'ish). beer lines were short, which was nice too. if you want to read a real review, check out graham's write-up in detnews, it's much better than db brian mccollum's in the freep. i don't know what show that schmuck was at, but i didn't see any kids crying or parents outraged. if so, who cares? wtf, these outraged parents' would have to be the biggest ephing morons to take their under-10 kids to a britney sex concert. you want safe, go see kenny loggins on tour this summer.

bad drunk dialing got you down? 

dwinkers buzz: the best new site the web has to offer is updated, w/ new entertaining & extremely useful pieces, such as 'the art of drunk dialing', 'man ends 15-year-old struggle w/ video game', & 'breeding is definitely in season'.
ask wang
check out dwinkerswinkers' new addition called 'blinded by science'. you can submit science type questions to dwinkers' resident phd, dr. niu wang. questions like, how many licks does actually take to get to the center of a tootsie-roll tootsie-pop? or whatever.

congrats to jorge bell on his acceptance of a cabinet position of some sort w/ peabs/cosby & the obvs in 04 campaign. bell is a sly move, since most say he hasn't had any buzz since he won the american league mvp in 1987 on the blue jays.

no buzz-the oc 

4/15/04 USA TODAY Post-No Buzz Poll - The OC 'The Proposal'
1) Luke (52)-you're 'in love w/ julie cooper?'. 'julie, i'm leaving tomorrow...i'm coming to see you...you owe me a goodbye!'. i hope you die of syph in portland bitch.
1) Coop (52)-why do you care about luke? he ephed you, your friend, then he ephed your mom. you survived another ep, keep purging! & someday soon you'll finally die.
1) Chino (52)-boring & brooding, you should've been in the truck w/ luke too, brooding & pulse-less.
1) Julie Cooper (52)-making wise-cracks about kirsten's drinking, screwing caleb's old bones is the best you can hope for.
5.) Jimmy Cooper (27)-thanks for stopping by jimmy, now get the f*ck out!
bilson buzz
the usa today pollsters are totally pissed off. a 4-way 1st place tie is insane. & these are the edited comments. the oc has been buzzless for awhile now. these kids to need to start having unprotected sex w/ numerous strangers, hosting 'white parties' in the oc, & much more binge drinking. a wasted coop is much better than a crying coop. it also gets us closer to a dead coop.

what's best: summer dissing cohen, her 'wink wink' t-shirt, luke listening to seger's 'night moves' drinking 40's hanging out in the park (as suggested by bigmatt at motorcityrocks), luke kicking the shite out of his truck, kirsten getting wasted, sandy cohen, 'welcome to portland bitch', the lighthouse, & summer roberts.

what's worst: how long before luke & coop start dating again? coop blaming her mom for 'almost killing luke', caleb bonding w/ coop & black-mailing her, coop's endless crying, care bears, cohen cohen cohen, caleb caleb caleb, coop coop coop, julie coop julie coop julie coop, chino chino chino, adam brody's $2000/day coke habit

any thoughts? i leave you w/ this bilson hottness below, & a link to more oc hottness on 5500.
tru hottness

Thursday, April 15, 2004

wrong turn? 

i received this wtf voicemail yesterday afternoon. i laughed easily for 10min, listening to it over & over some 8 times.

'you can hang-up this f*cking phone if you want to. don't call my house, molique will not be here anyway. so there is really no need for you to call back. 'cos that's the only person you care about. he's gonna be gone for a couple months at my cousin's. i let her keep him for 2 months. so there's no need for you to call back, ok. thank you. you have a good day.

go f*ck the other bitch that you've been f*cking. since that's all you think i'm doing is i'm f*cking somebody anyway. go have a good night w/ her.'

best v-mail ever! sorry for another pointless post but i'm trying to keep all 4 of you mildly entertained until i post properly later tonight.

on a completely unrelated topic, happy b-day to the real janelle over at the real janelle. your state is orange, go out & drink some sparks to celebrate!

this just in, rehab has now tossed the virtual salad for wilco fans. 8 shows cancelled on their tour, including coachella. can i get a 'f*cking goddammit!'?

news (via the grizz), brmc splits from record label, virgin. good move i think. hopefully it doesn't impact their summer palooza tour plans, brmc/rapture tour, or coachella. i think they'll have to rough it a little more, until they get picked up. god i hope their 3rd album is not another ode to j&mc.

sorry, this isn't a post to give a band head or anything....
not a bunch of ephing tourists...local faves last tourist have lined-up a solid opening gig for the cosmic rough riders, may 17 at smalls. congrats, you bunch of ephing students!

what's up ladies, what's up sluts? 

yesterday, so much buzz. today, notso much. in fact, today might be the worst day evs. work...is there anything worse? i seriously liked the 5 months i was unemployed in 2002. i didn't like moving back into my mom's house at 25, but life was so simple then. sleep-in everyday, scour the web for jobs, watch the practice on fx at 11, walk 7-8 miles, wait for friends' to get off work, party hard. lather, rinse, repeat. the not having money part sucked too, but it made it so easy to prioritize the essentials from the nonessentials.

so anyway, the britney spears show at the palace was best. not due to the music, or the show, but the entire experience. pre-show 40's buzz in the parking lot (12:51 & cabin fever buzz), multiple contributing-to-the-deliquency of multiple under 21 hotties, a free extra ticket to the show, post-show drinks in the birm, post-post-show-drinks dushku on kilborn's show, the oc (well, half of it anyway), so much buzz to be covered later. slammed at work today. nothing probably until late afternoon. patience my (4) pretties. the post show oc no buzz polls aren't expected to tallied until later as well. i think the usa today pollsters are hungover.

many thanks to uncle grambo & seantizz for dropping me off at my car mid-bar hopping. i caught dushku, it was a new kilborn show, & it was amazing. except for the part w/ the fat kid in stand by me-jerry whatevs.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

last night's abortion clinic 

while i can't say i've seen an ep of real world-san diego, i will say that karen+1's recap of rw-sd (A-Muse-D) is highly entertaining. i look forward to not watching any future eps of the real world sd & will gladly settle for reading funny recaps. f*ck tivo, this is so much easier!
& no and then
i don't like to wax political, like ever, but i did actually catch some of the gwbush address last night. what a db. asked about what his biggest mistake has been, he answered w/ something retarded like 'you mean other than trading sammy sosa to the white sox?'. that would have been hilarious in 1998 when anyone actually cared about baseball. 'wow, that's a great question. i wish i had that one in advance'. how about the whole gd intelligence breakdown in that 911 thing? how about the abortion known as not finding osama bin laden? how about not paying attention the f*cking us economy? how about the lies/exagerations about the weapons of 'mass destruction' in iraq, which have not, check that, will never be found in iraq?
he still maintained that they will be found in iraq. how about wasting all that time/money on mars/star wars defense?

catching my breath, that's alot of questions...or how about having absopurely no transition plan for the x-fer of control in iraq, almost 2 month's before we're supposedly exiting? lastly, best would have been, 'what have you really done to deserve a 2nd term?'. no, he just stood there stumped--was it really that unexpected to be asked that? i have bs pre-answers to that type of question for job interviews, & i'm a nobody...you're the f*cking president fcs!

my biggest problem was that numbnuts was so clueless/arrogant about it. no respect for him. admitting mistakes doesn't make you look foolish, only not doing so does. no one wants to hear a complete f*ck-up sit there all smugly & say 'everything's wonderful', when it's raining shit outside.

the gwbush quote of the day:
'a noble spirit embiggens us all'- as originally said by jebediah springfield

can't wait to see the daily show's coverage of this abortion of an address.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004


if you were looking forward to seeing muse finally on tour in the us again, this news won't cheer you up.

matt bellamy ephed up his face on-stage in atlanta last night. good luck. no details yet on impact to their tour dates.

*buzz courtesy of bigmatt & nummer.

no buzz 4.13 

as you can tell, i'm not a big fan of irreality tv. it's everywhere now. 1+1=1

1.) nick & jessica variety hour- most painful hour of tv each week? maybe, or a close 3rd to 'malcom in the middle', 'king of the hill', & the other shows i couldn't care any less about. this couple is on every mag cover now & all over mtv, etc. for what? a notso talented b-list 'musician' foolishly marry's a notso smart famous bombshell singer. j-simpson is nice to look at, but she's such a bitch, & so spoiled & stupid. she shouldn't be allowed to make fun of herself on tv, that's OUR job as american citizens. get that into the legislative process & you'll get my vote for pres.

2.) celeb irreality tv - nascar drivers, bobby/whitney, nick/jessica, trump, etc. no one really gives a damn about you, that's why you have to do reality tv. so why do so many tune in to see your show? plain & simple, cos it's on tv. it's not good, it's not funny. why do celebs do them? cos it makes them relevant again very quickly, which they can't do on their own.

nascar- if i can't bring myself to watch cars driving on tv, what makes them think i'm are going to care about what drivers do off the track. oh, right, all that white-trash demographic stuff. walmarts. good thing the drivers/fx were not able to strike a final deal & the show is sunk for now.
no caption required
3.) the swan- this is the anti-christ of reality tv. what a great message fox is sending to young american girls. if you're not attractive by our impossibly high standards, just get some plastic surgery done. hopefully you can even get a tv network to foot the bill. all you have to do is sell your soul to rupert murdock & give-up all self-respect. what a stupid show. you're ugly, so we can make you hott & you'll be in beauty pageants. f*ck you!
good after 2 bags of franzia
4.) franzia- the franz ferdinand mobile abortion clinic hits detroit on 6/13 at the majestic theatre. if you thought their music is bad, well their tour fliers' are even worse--archduke franz & co on horses, chivalry-stizz. so durst, & i'm not referring to the blog of the same name. 613 is the new 911.

5.) 'no buzz lists' on blogs- no one cares what you think sucks.

Monday, April 12, 2004

irreality tv  

after being sick almost all last week, i decided to go out thurs/fri/sat nights. went to a concert on thurs, a b-day drinking bar night on both fri & sat. i'm right back to where i started last week. sick again. going to see killers/stellastarr* tonight shouldn't help health matters much either, but who ephing cares. what follows are some random drunk ideas i've recently compiled.

i've said it before, i've never really gotten into the whole reality tv thing. maybe some are good & worth watching, but none of the gimmicks ever really appealed to me enough to ever tune in & give them a test drive w/ an option to buy. i wrote about my idea for a new reality tv show 'porcelain princesses' last week here on retrobuzz. here are some other concepts i have that would definitely get me hooked on irreality tv shows. obvs, if fox had any wit & originality, these would be the next generation of their irreality tv staples.

1.) i f*cked your spouse!- the pilot ep

kate is married to tim
lara is married to james
kate & lara are best friends

the network hires a married male or female (kate) to seduce their best friend's (lara) spouse (james) into having an extra-marital affair w/ her. a hidden camera captures all of the seduction sequences, the over-the-top flirting, the aggressive passes made, & the first sexual encounter between kate & james. you follow?

the hired man/woman (kate) stages an argument w/ their best friend (lara) whereby the instigator (kate) is bound to lose the fight. kate throws out a last ditch trump card, 'oh yeah, well i f*cked your husband last night!'. the friend (lara) is in a light laughing state of dis-belief & blows the comment off as bs. the friend, kate, says, 'no really, i f*cked james last night in your bed. wanna go inside & see the tape of us together?'.

they cut to the video of the whole seduction scene through the multiple orgasms documented on film. lara & kate then get into a massive kate fight whereby hair is pulled, clothes are ripped off, & they fall into the conveniently placed pool.

this is the lead-in for the next show...

2.) i f*cked your spouse too!- the pilot ep (from the creators of 'i f*cked your spouse!')

kate is married to tim
lara is married to james
kate & lara are best friends

unbeknownst to kate, who seduced her best friend's (lara) husband james to sleep w/ her, there's a twist. the network was working behind-the-scenes the whole time. they showed some of the footage to lara, & she wants revenge & agrees to seduce kate's husband, tim. after the sexy cat-fight in i f*cked your spouse!, kate & lara have a long conversation about why kate would do that to her best friend, etc. tears are shed from both women, hugs exchanged, & forgiveness is granted. just when you think it's over, lara confesses, 'kate, i also have something to tell you. i f*cked your spouse too!'.

kate is totally in disbelief & thinks lara is bluffing to get back at her. lara suggests they go watch the footage, which consists of lara watching the tape of her best friend seducing her husband on 'i f*cked your spouse!'. the footage then cuts to where Laura starts seducing kate's husband, tim, into having an affair w/ her. lara & tim have sex (3 times) in tim/kate's very own bed. talk about your all-time pre-emptive slut paybacks. hott catfight ensues again, lather/rinse/repeat.

3.) we're your mommy & daddy-
many times adopted children seek out their biological partents later in life for answers to the question why. this show plays on this. adopted children seek out parents, are set-up to meet their real parents, & only their parents are bs'ing actors. the network takes-over an agency (lost then found) that specializes in tracking down adopted childrens' biological parents, fox2 problem solver stizz.

parents are typically played as drug abusing petuli wearing hippie types who make the seekers wish that they never met their newfound parents. inappropriate sexual comments, non-stop cursing, on-screen drug use would be some of the typical scenarios played-out at the 1st meetings. the joke is never revealed, & the 'contestant' storms away w/ closure, in that they're happy that their biological parents gave them up for adoption. it's win-win. the audience laughs, someone gets closure knowing that they are better off now.

'i f*cked your spouse!' & 'i f*cked your spouse too!' have so much potential for spin-offs. i'm thinking lesbian married couples, engaged couples, bi-sexual stripper types, or just plain boyfriend/girlfriend couples, etc. this could be an entire channel devoted to sexual revenge.

any thoughts, good or bad? backblog it or email me at retrobuzz1977@yahoo.com.

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