Friday, April 09, 2004

it's good friday i'm in love 

i laughed pretty hard reading these 2 new articles posted on dwinkers winkers today. check out dog holds public office & territorial pissings. good stuff.
to gibby
just another reason why there's no need to go see the strokes when they come to town may 10th at the state. the d's numero uno douchebag the past 20 years (kirk gibson) reveals in this week's real detroit that he's a big fan of theirs' & will be at the strokes show 5/10. closet hipster? you like the white stripes, strokes? go back to dodger town.

$30-some tix, strokes live is exactly the same as recording (minus the uness hilariously unfunny drunk banter), they suck now, & gibby. what are 4 reasons why not to go to the state 5/10? 20 years ago you helped the tig's win the world series, so my friends' & i still toast sometimes 'to gibby' at the bar when doing shots, but you were a prick to me back in high school when i met you at gp north. i believe you told me to 'f*ck off'. class act.

last night i caught the rapture/brmc show at the majestic. rapture were absopurely best. they are everything that the white stripes should be, except they're talented, fun, & not 2 dimensional. during their set, robert turner of brmc was standing next to me catching their set. i asked him for a quote for retrobuzz & he brilliantly answered w/ 'f*ck yourself'. best. so much retrobuzz. call them j&mc rip-offs, whatevs. they always kick-ass live & rock out. as a tribute, nummer bought a round of rebel ale at the start of their set. most importantly, there was a rachel bilson look-alike right in front of me during brmc's set. obvs, her db bf was revealed. still best.

speaking of oc, here's some oc buzz courtesy of the grizz.

i'll share a question that was sent my way via email this week. 'retrobuzz, why are you always so pissed off at the world all the time?'. well if you thought you were going to be dead in 2 years & didn't care about anything, & your life was a f'ing albatross, you'd share the same view of the world as me. been super depressed lately, maybe i should take 30min out of my day & fill-out those medical benefit enrollment forms at work so that i can get health coverage so i can get some happy pills. maybe next week. alcohol, nothing cheers you up like a depressant. shmears.

3 weeks till coachella. running through the line-up, i made a list of my miss/can't miss acts. qwik list for the sake of brevity. obvs tough choices will have to be made once the time slots are announced. so many conflicts.

can't miss:
cure, ash, r-head, pixies, wilco (if they're there), flaming lips, paul van dyk, richard fearless, death cab, kraftwerk

would like to see:
muse, rapture, air, belle & sebastian, sahara hotnights, brmc, cooper temple clause, stereolab, pretty girls make graves, mogwai, ferry corsten, stellastarr*

don't want to be w/in ear-shot of these:
howie dayte rapist, the thrills, dizee rascal, the black keys, phantom planet, crystal method

enjoy your weekend!

Thursday, April 08, 2004

blog of the dead 

just got some zombie news from nummer courtesy of the grizz. another freaking zombie movie w/ a 'xxxxx of the dead' title is in the works. didn't everyone see my no buzz list from last week re: zombie movies & the oh so clever titles being chosen these days? well, 4 people might have.

the premise: 2 zombies come to life unexpectedly aboard an airplane while being shipped back to their homeland after they are captured.

wow, what a piece of shite. 'flight of the dead', no buzz. go back to the drawing board. what's that, you're already re-writing the script?

around the horn 

brothers gonna work it outafter years of my non-stop complaining, some of my advertising friends finally got their shite together. w/in a span of one week, i see two comercials featuring great songs. ephing music, man! the 1st was some gm spute vehicle for chevy (i think) where some db is playing 'tag' w/ a cheetah in africa or something. the song is chem bros 'leave home' from exit planet dust. a 9 yr old track. best.
then over the weekend i see a kawasaki comercial for motorcycles featuring curve's 'chinese burn'. not since btvs season 3 ep 'bad girls' have i heard this played on tv. you know, the ep where buffy & faith dance together at the bronze. so hott, mmmmBEST!

keep up the good work. if the songs had not been good, i wouldn't have even remembered what the commercials were for. maybe i'll take off early today & buy a crappy gm spute vehicle & a kawasaki crotch rocket bike. um, not so much. i don't agree that bands are 'sell-outs' if they sell the rights to use their songs for comercial purposes. bands like the shins & pas/cal made some well needed/deserved money from selling their song rights to mcdonalds, & brendan benson did for saturn.
...this is music. this is music. from somewhere in the middle of fookin paris
however, i didn't like it when michael jackson sold the rights' to the beatles' 'revolution' to nike in the 80's, & hated it when the stones sold the rights' to the verve's 'bitter sweet symphony' to nike in 98. ashcroft was so pissed off about that, he mentioned it at alot of shows back in 98. i didn't like those 2 examples because the artist wasn't the one w/ controlling rights to the songs.

detroit sports, is there anything better going these days? tigers are off to an incomprehensible 3-0 start. against the blue jays no less. today is opening day at comerica park against the twins. wish i had the day off work to go get drunk at the game, but what you gonna do. red wings got their act together & for the 1st time in 3 years, won't lose the opening 2 home games in the 1st round. manny legace looked great in the 3-1 win over nashville. eph cujo, it's all about manny.

if anyone in the d is going to see brmc (& the rapture) at the majestic tonight, pre-show plans are to meet up at the garden bowl for drinks.

seacrest out.

another blanking list 

4/07/04 USA TODAY Pre-No Buzz Poll - The OC ''The Proposal"
1) Luke (75)- so what if caleb proposes to julie coop. get over it, it's not worth wrapping your pick-up around a tree.
1) Coop (75)- maybe coop will be in luke's truck when it crashes, or least be what he hits w/ his truck. 
1) Chino (75)- die! die! die! chino boy.
4) Julie Cooper (25)- go ahead, marry caleb, nobody cares.
5.) Jimmy Cooper (19)- you're dragging down the good cohen. staying in newport, not such a good idea.

the AP pollsters appear to be bored & frustrated by the lagging plots the past couple weeks, as evidenced by their voting boycott. the USA Today pollsters are obviously sick of the entire coop family, chino, & luke. the comments on their ballots get more angry each week. a 3-way tie for 1st-place is unprecedented in the pre-show polls.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

porcelain princesses 

i thought of a really cool & disturbing idea for a reality show this morning, porcelain princesses:

10 hott girls w/ various eating disorders, all living in the house for 2 month's, w/ only 1 bathroom, an always fully stocked fridge/pantry of groceries, & no access to mini-thins or fen-fen. the bathroom would sport a puke cam w/ a laser sensor to catch all the throw-up action. through advanced technology, somehow the puke cam would only activate when a girl was throwing up. don't ask me how, that's for the egg-heads to figure out. imagine how many cat fights there would be fighting for the bathroom to purge next, so many cigarettes smoked, alcohol consumed, hott girl-on-girl-on-girl action. it's a mix of big brother & the real world, only good. kwobvs it would have to be on fox late night.

it could also be used as a p.s.a as well, it would show the disturbing effects that eating disorders have on people. cos i'm sure a couple cast members would not be able to make the 1, 2, or 3 year reunion shows due to their deaths & all. i bet 1 or 2 girls would even die during the 2 month taping. think of the ratings...'WHICH HOTT SKINNY BULIMIC/ANOREXIC GIRL WILL BE NEXT TO DIE? JENNA, AMBER, HEATHER...? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW PORCELAIN PRINCESSES ONLY ON FOX'.
no clever caption

wow, that claritin d really messed me up this morning.

thanks to aplarcadia for forwarding this along to me. listen to wilco's new album 'a ghost is born'. so much prehab buzz.

here's the current 'final' track list:

at least that's what you said 5:35
hell is chrome 4:40
spiders (kidsmoke) 10:48
muzzle of bees 4:58
hummingbird 3:13
handshake drugs 6:09
wishful thinking 4:43
company in my back 3:48
i'm a wheel 2:39
theologians 3:38
less than you think 15:06
the late greats 2:30

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

the drugs don't work 

maybe it's all the drugs i'm on right now (nothing illegal, just 6 blends of otc allergy/cold/flu hottness), but after the tigers' 7-0 schalacking of the blue jay's, i'm hopefully optimistic about the tigers' chances this year. jason johnson pitched terrific-ly, pudge/white/pena tagged last year's a.l. cy young winner, halladay, w/ homers. 1st time the tigers have been over the .500 mark in 3 years. best team ever!

maybe this is nothing, but this should give them alot more confidence early in the season. the attitude seems different around this team, & it would be nice for a change if they can keep a win-streak going so that they KNOW how it feels to win. i'm always a cynical person, so i'm really trying to look at this club positively, even if they lose a few early on. no doubt i will be making it to comerica park more than the 3 trips i made last year. the $6.50 32oz blue lights don't hurt either.

btw...it's very cool that the real janelle is also a tigers/cubs fan. i'm glad maddux is finally back home where he belonged all along, & i can finally start hating the atlanta braves again since he's no longer w/ them. mmmmBEST.

since i love to make bad predictions, here are a few in the sports realm:
bestworld series: cubs vs angels
winner: cubs in 6, ryne sandberg & andre dawson come out of retirement to help resurrect harry carey, weekend at bernie's 2 stizz. both play, harry gets hammered off bud lights, dies of a heart attack when the cubs actually win.

nba finals: pistons vs spurs
winner: pistons in 7, ben wallace wins playoff mvp, detroit city goes rioteer crazy, kwobviously.
nobody beats the devils!
nhl stanley cup finals: detroit vs new jersey winner: new jersey in 6, chris chelios' recent public displays of doucheocity become too much of a distraction for the wings to overcome. media hoopla suffocates the team, cheliblos is traded for a mule to be named later.

-i just checked out chromewaves & saw that wilco's jeff tweedy has checked into rehab for painkiller abuse. hopefully they'll be able to play at coachella, & jeff writes some of his best music afterwards. let's hope he doesn't sue his doctor either, ozzy stizz. maybe he's hanging out w/ peabs? you're nobody until you've been to rehab at least twice.

-if you haven't done so already, check out the leafblower's write-up on cobain from yesterday. good stuff. sometimes i forget about what a huge effect they had on what mainstream culture would embrace. cheers

-as always, give the gorilla some love & feedback over on whatevs today & tomorrow. he always does a bang-up job guest hosting while uncle grambo is away on 'business trips'.

-i feel awful, shoulda called in sick today but couldn't. worst day ever. at least i'm infecting others who piss me off.

Monday, April 05, 2004

no buzz list 4/05/04 

1.) chris cheliblos- as reported on retrobuzz fri, i had a traffic run-in w/ this douchebag when he was driving like a cracked-out ephing tourist, w/ illinois plates on his 1957 gt douchemobile. this was enough to secure 1st place, but the grizz revealed that he & pants* had multiple cheliblos sightings this weekend in the birm. sat, cheliblos was littering the birm w/ his buzzless presence in his douchemobile, parking illegally going to get ice cream w/ a young girl.
DB of the year
on sunday, the grizz & pants* then spotted cheliblos at kroger w/ brett hull, shopping for sunless tanner, & aqua velva aftershave. you're washed-up cheliblos! go back to chi-town, or better yet, montreal & stop bothering me & my friends w/ your lack of buzz in the d. major thanks to the grizz for reporting the run-ins. hull lives around the block from them, so cheliblos is no doubt hanging out at hull's, parked illegally, yelling at kids & dogs walking by. congrats on your upcoming move away from that neighborhood, it has no buzz now.
93's mother & father of the year

2.) kurt cobain- this guy died 10 yrs ago, get over it already. whether his murder was 4/5/94 or 4/8/94, who cares? this guy made 1 great record where the timing was right. 'nevermind' was more a product of producer butch vig's talents than cobain's. 'bleach', notso good. 'in utero', notso good. some good songs, largely too depressing. i'll give you 'unplugged', but i thought both pearl jam & stp unplugged were better.

if he were still alive, he'd be making crappy music. pearl jam was better, pumpkins too. neither of these bands still make good music today, so why do people still think cobain would be, like he's john ephing lennon or something. i'm so sick of seeing this guy's picture on every magazine cover this month. i think grohl has proven since 95 that he was the real talent in nirvana. if cobain hadn't been murdered, he'd be MORE irrelevant today than scott weiland & vedder.

3.) jesse palmer, 'the bachelor'- a back-up nfl qb is the next star of abc's show, 'the bachelor'. if you're an american pro athlete, should you really need to go onto a reality show for 6 weeks to find your future wife? firestone i understood. heir to a company that was crippled a couple year's prior by exploding tires on the ford explorer. his fortune could have crumbled overnight, so he had to try & cash in his chips while his name still had cache. but palmer, he's a canadian qb, a mediocre college qb while at florida, & a 4th round pick. at 25 in nyc, he should be dating washed-up supermodels now.

he didn't even play in the 2000 citrus bowl when i saw my spartans beat the gators in orlando. plus, he looks like a date-rapist, so maybe he needs to do this show. what's next, a blogger on the bachelor/bachelorette shows? probably not.

but more people know who spiers, ultra, grambo, miss mod & peabs are, than this db qb. shmears.

4.) duke blue devils- what a bunch a soft-serve pussbags. they totally choked against uconn in the final 4 sat, & i was the collateral damage in the process. my tournament brackets that is. their loss made me lose gorilla's mini-6 pack challenge, & knocked me into 5th place in the leafblower's bloggerverse challenge.

note to nba execs, don't draft duke players, they're always a waste of a 1st round pick, kinda like drafting penn state football players in the 1st rd. duhon will get a nice payday, but he's gonna suck in the pros. nice coaching job sha-shef-ski. everyone was calling you possibly the best college b-ball coach evs. but you let the ref's be your excuse for losing, not your players' poor performance, or your own poor coaching job down the stretch.

bravo, you have no buzz.

you're WORST!
5.) donald trump- did 215k people really apply to be on the 'the apprentice'? maybe they didn't read that trump enterprises is always 1 or 2 on fortune mag's 'worst companies to work for' lists, along w/ fruit of the loom.

the guy's old, wears a muskrat on his head, & is a prick. that's a show? trying to get a job working for this guy? couldn't they get hef or oprah to do the show instead?

trump hasn't had any buzz since gary hart also had buzz in the 80's. the proof, his hosting gig on snl. that show hasn't had buzz all season, so trump's hosting gig supports my no buzz stamp.

that & he has von douche t-shirts (pictured above) sporting his rug & the phrase, 'your fired'. like he invented that phrase. it's only been around forever, & it was pretty commonly used before donnie doucho came along.

6.) ozzy osbourne- he filed a complaint w/ the cal state med board, accusing a bev hills doc of 'overprescribing' addictive drugs to him. oz claims the drugs led to his disoriented behavior on the 'the osbournes'. so it wasn't the 30 years of using coke, heroin, alcohol abuse, drano, touring w/ motley crue, etc? oz claims dr kipper had him take excessive quantities of dexedrine, valium, zyprexa, etc. yeah, oz can't even form fragments of fragments of complete sentences, so let's blame the doc who prescribed some pain killers for his bad back a couple year's ago. for shame oz. you're going to pull the next janet & make it nearly imposs for the common man/woman to get highly addictive painkillers through shady prescriptions. thanks for nothing.

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