Tuesday, July 13, 2004

final destination 713 

no buzz list

8) dave grohl--dude, you're the best rock drummer going these days. why play w/ a band that hasn't done anything worthwhile in 10+ years? lenny kravitz has 10x the buzz than trent reznor, & that's almost zero. trentos...the durst-maker

7) the new, totally unnecessary, & irrelevant 'basic instinct II' is in-process of being made. this just in...no one's cared about sharon stone...EVER! sharon stone, you're not hott. you haven't made a single movie that's made a dime in over 10 years (casino, which wasn't because of you). why on earth would you think you could make a list of demands that include: $14mil salary, 3 nannies for your adopted brat, free cell phones & pagers for you & your crew, personal chauffeur & bodyguards, a giant dildo made of waterford crystal. you're totally durst sharon. hiring you for any project is the kiss of death for a studio---'catwoman' anyone? 'the practice' anyone? how did 'sphere' do?

6) courtney love-- discharged from an nyc hospital following her bizarre episode friday. love reportedly will be picked-up this evening for masturbating w/ a metal crucifix linda blair stizz. f*ck me jesus! f*ck me jesus! ...disturbing behavior

5) the nicotine patch & the devil- last night i had probably the most intense & scary nightmare i've ever had. i dreamt that i was sleeping & that the devil was in my room tormenting me, paralyzing me w/ fear, while i was trying to sleep. i think it was satan's way of trying to get me to start smoking again. i could not move at all. after what seemed like eternity, i ordered myself to wake-up & get out of bed. i was so freaked out that i locked my doors, all of which were upstairs. it seriously was the most terrifying dream i've ever had--& it took a good 5min to realize that i was dreaming in a dream.

i put on a nico patch at lunch yesterday, & at first it felt great--nice buzz, less smoking temptation, calmer, etc. by 9pm, i was going insanicus maximus because i felt so sick to my stomach. my arm w/ the patch was pretty much numb, & i decided to remove it to see if i would feel any better. i'm still having alot of urges to smoke, but now i'm at 2.5 days clean. i'm going to use the patch as needed, but definitely won't sleep w/ one on. who needs nicotine while they sleep?

4) condoms-if they aren't good enough for use at the onyx whoretel, how can your wife, girlfriend, mysterious fuk buddy, hobo call-girl, fem-bot, etc convince you that you need to wear them? condoms have absopurely no buzz. on second thought, brit has been kostanza'ed & fenderbender'ed. that girl is possibly dirtier than the sluts bill clinton did back in arkansas, plus carmen electra & all the wives of motley crue put together. penetration of the onyx whoretel w/o protection, while seemingly hott, may be the quickest recipe for contracting the white stripes std ever.

3) my book deal that fell through- i had a MAJOR book deal lined-up to publish a compilation, or greatest hits if you will, of my famous rants. unfortunately there was an escape clause contained w/in whereby the MAJOR publishing company could reneg the deal based upon a review of test chapters. they were like 'You can write extremely well but you're not wearing any pants!'.

2) starting & quitting blogs-- it's sooooo Q1 '04--zero buzz. quitting-quitting blogs is what's hott now.

1) nicotine patch condoms- you thought the regular one's ephed you up?

thanks to all the handjobs & douchebags out there who supported this site. all the handjobs & douchebags who didn't can SUCK IT!!!

Monday, July 12, 2004

welcome back to high school 

sadly, after 4 months, there will only one more post on retrobuzz. it will be a final no buzz list tomorrow. the past few weeks have been really busy at work, & i've been struggling to write anything worthy of a read. for me it's all or nothing. i'm going to be changing programs/responsiblities at work in a few weeks, & will be very busy initially. i just want to sincerely thank everyone who took time out of their day to read the rubbish i published here.

so apologies out to everyone who was my collateral damage friday night. i went to a work party at 2pm-6:45pm, then the wab for gp jenn's b-day at about 9pm. i felt good until leaving the wab. i think it was those 2 beers i slammed just prior to leaving that sent me over the edge, plus i think i was roofied. so peabs & i were hanging out at my place after the gorillas dropped us off after getting coney, where multiple bystanders were cussed out drunkenly/angerly by me. on the way to my house, drunk&dials were revealed. nummer was called twice while the walkmen's 'the rat' was playing, numerous calls were made to uncle grambo, jess blueprint, kerry sosaysi, & most of all, dirty mckean. dirty got the worst of it w/ 12 phone calls placed to him.

before we made it to my house, we put on the killers 'somebody told me' at full blast. we were singing along, & i think we called grambo & only played the song loudly on the message. grambo saved one of the vmails & played it for me on sat. i was kind of mocking his celeb status & said something like, '...oh look at me, i'm so important, i hang out w/ miss modernage...'

when we got back to my place, i decided it would be fun to start throwing around furniture. kitchen chairs ended up in the dining/living room, the vacuum got tossed around. my cell phone had been broken since december, whereby the screen was non-functional, so that no information could be pulled up on my phone. so i figured it was time to finally replace it by chucking my phone not once, but twice on the floor as hard as i could throw it. i still haven't found the battery. then peabs & i had a sparks & a beer. a beer bottle ended up getting thrown into the middle of the street by peabs, & the sparks can got tossed into the street as well. i think at least an hour was spent by us singing the chorus to 'take me out' & miming the retarded robotic boxers from the video. peabs loves this bit.

major apologies out to the gorillas (for having to deal w/ me in person), dirty, grambo, kerry, jess, nummer, & anyone else who got a drunken call from me/peabs friday night. peabs checked his outgoing call log & it was something like 70 calls total made. not such a good idea.

saturday, woke up ~10am & was busy all day prepping my house for the night's party. the party sat night was pretty best. the fow nation was out in full force. the grizz brought over the franz ferdinand album & saint anger. peabs threw that shite (take me out) on pretty early on. the cops came by a few times. the 1st was pretty early. i think jess put on the killers & peabs pretty much went bananaz. a cop on a bicycle stopped by & i went outside to talk to him. he was like, 'yeah, i understand you're having a party, but it's 11:30pm & i could hear music & yelling from all the way down the street. no one's called to complain yet, so this is just a warning. i heard some yell 'fuck!'(peabs) at the top of their lungs a minute ago. that's the type a thing people call to complain about'. i was like sorry, & said that i would close the windows & keep the doors closed to minimize the noise bleed.

the 2nd time the cops came the grizz had afro'ed my hair, so i had to locate my tiger's hat before walking outside to deal w/ these clowns. they said a neighbor called to complain, etc. i said the party would done shortly & that everyone would be inside the rest of the night. i was cool, so they didn't issue a ticket. as they were about to walk back to their patrol cars, they pointed the flashlights at the front steps, where a huge pile of throw-up was located. they were like 'someone had maybe too good of a time?'. at ~4am i got out the hose & washed down that pile of puke.

from 11pm till almost 3:30am it was a big dance party in the living room. i had a good time just watching the party from the balcony. thanks to everyone who showed up & partied hard. i hope you had as much fun as i did.

and i quit smoking yesterday. it's been over 30 hours since my last smoke. i'd say i'm doing fine, but i'm REALLY struggling right now. my days' used to be structured around my smoke breaks. i forgot my gum at home, & am going to pick-up some nico patches after work today. this week is a really tough test for me. i don't see how i can (or should) continue to drink anymore. cigarettes & alcohol go together like i don't know what. this thurs is the last tourist/prime ministers show at smalls, dirty mckean is back in the d all week, & i'm going to chi-town this weekend. talk about having to dodge silver bullets.

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