Friday, March 19, 2004

english majors of the world unite 

while i wasn't an english major at the university, i have spoken it for most of my life, which was always good enough for some credit on english class exams. this isn't a posting just to bitch, i've been hearing the same words/phrases butchered for years. some of my favorites:

1.) intensive purposes- this one's my favorite. written, it's intents & purposes, but somehow it gets changed to an objective w/ 'seriousness'.

2.) supposively (or supposably)- i hear these versions of 'supposedly' no less than 5 times a day. it's like nails on a chalkboard, but still amusing none the less.

3.) Camere a minute- unforch i don't hear this low-brow phrase (come here for a minute) much anymore, i heard it habitually used at my former employer, Shockeys & Durstman (aka collins & aikman) in worstland, mi. i'm sure it's used conversationally every 30 seconds in walmarts all over america as well. it's also a reminder that i thought the khmer rouge from the killing fields was called the menshi crei. i wrote an entire report on the movie referring to the menshi crei, instead of the khmer rouge. details, shmetails. still got a b.
4.) kmarts, fords, krogers, etc- i think it's a michigan thing, but why does an 's' get added to the end of every store or company? 'i'm going to kmarts now to but some new martha stewarts collection wife-beaters' or 'i got a hojo yesterday from this girl i work w/ at fords'. it's so white trash it's walmarts. hello, would you like to buy crack in bulk today?

5.) excetera- sfbovs it's et cetera, thus the etc abreev.

6.) lindstrom- as in the red wing defenseman nicklas lidstrom. this one bugs me more as a hockey fan. i'm not sure why so many people add the 'n' to lidstrom, but it shouldn't that difficult to pronounce correctly--it's only like his 13th year playing for detroit. lindstrom, where the n is silent.

if you think of any other good ones, backblog it.

dylan contracts new 'white stripes' std

sadly, the only thing that was ruined this week wasn't just bob dylan's good name, but his d, literally, in the d no less. i know this is soooo yesterday's news, but i was too distraught yesterday to even write about the reports i heard, & read in bloggerville/mc rocks. dylan not only allowed, but invited jack white on stage to perform w/ him at the state theatre weds night during his 2nd encore.
...still better than jack white

dylan had this to say: 'well, i had read about the 'white stripes' std outbreak happening in detroit a few day's ago on retrobuzz, but i just kind of blew off the reports w/ a shrug. who would believe that your d could get white striped, candy-cane style just from being on stage w/ jack white? i don't know how i contracted it...jack said he wanted to bang me, but i shot that idea down quickly.

it must be an airborne disease now. it's beyond std status & right up there w/ monkeypox. in hindsight, maybe bob seger or even gallagher (the watermellon guy) would have been a better choice. i think i'm going to kill myself jason von bondie stizz. listening to every white stripes album 2 times.'
maybe not disease free either, but still better than jack white

even dylan w/ liberace had more buzz than dylan/white.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

put this in your pipe & smoke it! 

so much mystery buzz!!

i received an anonymous email this am. what follows is an official press release containing the details on the buzz hitting the web next weds 3/24/04. so much mystery buzz! mmmmbest

DwinkersWinkers.com Drops Seven Days from Now at an Internet Near You!

Famed and mysterious candy mogul, David J. Winkers is proud to present the launch of www.dwinkerswinkers.com, like most of his products over the years his website is an interesting, yet tasty combination of the best things.

Preview audiences are raving about the site:

"It's a cross between a blog, The Onion and Homestar Runner! I can't wait for the next update!"

"The minute to minute show reviews are the best thing I've ever seen on this crazy world wide web!"

"David J. can do no wrong, I love his candy and I love this site!"

Dwinkerswinkers.com preimere issue will launch on Wednesday, March 24, 2004 in conjuction with the return of 22nd episode of The OC*. The site will feature updates on Tuesday's and Thursday's from henceforth, featuring pop culture commentary by David J. and his employees.

Check out dwinkerswinkers.com next Wednesday, for all your world wide web entertainment needs!

tru buzz 

nice to meet you, i thought you died in a car crash

me no function beer well w/out


tired & groggy on post st pad's day. absopure'ly WORST. like damore, most of you likely woke up late & arrived to work tardy, not to mention retarded. while i can only speak for this cubicle, but today is quite poss the least productive day of the year in offices across the us. this should cheer you up...
best show ever
tonight is the long awaited return of new ep's of Tru Calling on Fox. so much buzz. brandon walsh (jack) joins the cast working at the morgue w/ tru davies (dushku). still sporting the 90210 do, retrobuzz...not so much. now dylan doing coke & heroin then shagging brenda...that's tru retrobuzz.

spoilers reveal that her boyfriend luc (who blows) gets killed off in this ep, & tru decides not to save him when she re-lives the day. maybe i just made that up. side note: who spells 'luke' w/ a 'c' anyway? luc robitaille. worst. your wife stacia is hott, but seers, her album has no buzz. must have been such a bummer to move from la to detroit a couple years ago & try to launch a music career while your husband tries to win a stanley cup. sfbovs.

my life in the d, was a tragic comedy

anyway, tv just hasn't been the same since the oc & tru calling last sported new ep's. thursdays have been blah. since no one who watches tru calling will see this page, i think this is the ep where tru's dad & step-mom visit, her step-mom is murdered, & tru discovers the same man who killed her mom has now off'ed her step-mom. in both cases the killer was paid by tru's dad. makes for some gooood watchin'. i think there's a good chance tc will get renewed for a second season. it's averaging ~4mil viewers/ep. maybe a certain girl (i'm looking your way foxy j) in bloggerville has some info?

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

retro-flavored haterade 

thus far, hate mail is up ~200% day-over-day, & death-threats are up 85% since monday. feedback has been from one extreme form of anger to the other, less anger. it's not my intent to piss people off, nor is it fun.

~98% of what i write is complete bs. this post is not in that 98% #. retrobuzz (the blog) is supposed to be dark humor, or as some have dubbed it, hilariousy un-funny poor satire. if you even see my blog it's likely that you & i like ~90% of the same things. my apologies if anything i've written has rubbed you the wrong way, or you flat-out just think it's garbage writing. i can't do much about the latter, it (garbage writing) is kind of my style.

sincere thanks for taking the time to provide any/all feedback. good or bordering on death threat'ish, it IS appreciated.



sorry for the oc oliver ref in the title, but i totally forgot that today is the best ephing day in a long time, possibly ev's. st paddy's day? nope. whacking day? no sir. arbor day? get bent.
shu shu shaking! rooney!!!!

today marks the return of (some say) the greatest band ev's to play the royal oak music theatre, to rock all of your fine asses!
rooney, sh sh sh shakin stizz? um, not so much. hello, i'm talking about better than ezra. i'm embarassed to admit that i did buy their cd 'deluxe' when it got all that airplay in 94 w/ 'good'. they're bringing all their buzz-free songs you've never heard (except that one), & will no doubt be dipping into their last album, 'closer'. to which i say, 'no no no. no new crap. play taking care of business now! get to the working overtime part!'. they'll be rocking it, leprechaun in the hood stizz. sfb!

better than leprechaun genitals

happy st. paddy's day!! 

any holiday that promotes consumption of large amounts of green-dyed beer & lowers the standards' of girls to the point that i look like a 'hollywood ugly' fred savage or a severely blurry, not so tall young paul mccartney is totally five-by-five w/ me. hell, i need all the help i can get in the looks dept.
where's me gold?!!
st. paddy's day plans are to ditch out of the office ~3:30pm'ish, go home & clean up, & meet up w/ peabs & dr. em-medicine woman, at the tap room, which is conveniently just down the street from me. stumbling buzz. best

leprechaun's...so much retrobuzz.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

tuesday's, only slightly better than monday's 

nba press conferences would be zero fun w/out alan iverson. this guy went off (again), while coming back from injury, his coach had him in the 6th man role. very similar to his rant against larry brown 2 yrs ago--'we ain't talking about a game, we talking about practice'.

alan at times is like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum, but he works as hard as anyone in the league. he just doesn't understand that his team has millions of $ invested in him. no iverson=no butts in seats in phily

steroids blah blah blah, i'm hoping to see this in '04 MLB

1.) yankees have best record ever, get knocked out of the ALCS by the angels/twins, or better yet in the world series by the cubbies. i would love to see the evil empire go ring-less for the duration of a-rod's career there. maddux returning to the cubs was best off-season news. go cubs! boston winning the ws would end their right to be tortured fans--it's part of their culture. we all feel bad for sox fans. 2 pat's superbowls in 3 yrs should ease the pain a little in sept/oct.

2.) the tigers are competitive in the 4 home games i attend this year. prediction, probably not. pudge will no-doubt get hurt & barely play the next 4 years. that's detroit's luck. we trade away emerging stars or we pick up stars past their prime, & they fade away on the disabled list.

3.) a salary cap implemented that actually means a cap. nfl--- no guarenteed contracts, real salary caps, so much parity, so much better than any other pro sport. if you don't like a player's performance vs pay, you can cut them.

maybe it's just me, but...

-this season of the simpsons has been among their best ever. every episode has been 'mr.plow' caliber.

-didn't 'mona lisa smile' just hit movie theatres like yesterday (well, late dec)? now it's already on dvd. has julia roberts lost it? um, no.

-despite all of the high school players skipping college, early departures, march madness is still the best sporting event/s going. where else is guessing more reliable than knowledge when picking winners? it's always the 50 yr old office admin asst who wins the pool by picking the best mascots.

Monday, March 15, 2004

did i pass the acid test? 

Editor's note: i'll try to keep this SFW, & try to get pic's added soon

upon my release from county 3pm friday i made my way out to the charming campus of ann arbor pioneer to make good on a promise i had made to 3 sexy vixens, amber, heather, & kat.

they were standing in front of c building riffing on camel lights. blaring some chem brothers, i pulled my vw ghetta up to the curb, as to try & appear cool. they each got in sliding through the windows, not bothering w/ doors. hott! we peeled out & had to out-run the parking lot attendants pursuing us in their '87 dodge shadow. no probs, was like in the dukes of hazzard, the general lee had ditched rosco p. coltrane & cleatus at the closed bridge on cripple creek. yee haw!kat says to me, 'retrobuzz, how 'bout we stop at the liquor store & go back to your place to party & fool around?'. to which i responded w/ a 'so ephing bovs'. heather said, 'your lingo's new & mysterious to us, but i take that to mean hell yes'. obvs.

the girls got totally wasted after 5th period & wanted to party hard, wk stizz. amber was in the back w/ heather & they started making out as soon as they heard 'star guitar' come on. then kat got into the action w/ me. she's quite the pro, & i wasn't too shabby myself thank you very much. i managed to avoid causing multiple 50 car pile-up's, final destination2 stizz, quite the task.

these girls couldn't make up their minds about what alcohol to buy, so we exited at 222a chalmers ave/outer dr, & went to one-stop, so the trio of hottness could go into the store w/ me. i started buying there 11 years ago, when i was 16. so much retrobuzz! it ended up being zima's, mad dog 20/20, molson ice, & the components to make diet roman cokes. i didn't even mind paying a homeless guy who "worked" there to buy for us.

got back to my place & the zima/roman cokes were flowing non-stop like franzia. i threw on a mix of curve's 'come clean'/ mbv's 'loveless' & the 4 of us got freaky. they cut up some lines, but drugs really aren't my thing so i stuck w/ drinks. we moved into the bedroom for awhile & amber broke out the vid-cam to document the hottness. later on we moved into the kitchen to fully utilize their homemade s&m kits & my posh pornographic wine bottle opener, etc.

all last week my landlord had a crew at my flat to replace the 50 year old roof. i had seen this grimey eclectic bunch everyday, littering my balony w/ empty super big gulp cups & empty packs of kool's. i didn't really think much of it. little did i know this dirty bunch was actually the team bka the fox2 problem solvers comprised of fanchon stinger, ron savage, charles pugh, & greg gallagher. the same bunch that took me down the night before at the stick. these sneaky bastards sold me, they build a mean roof. they crashed in through the kitchen windows die hard style, armed w/ uzi's.
roofers, or fox2 problem solvers?

i responded w/ a 'um, how's the roof coming along?'. they weren't amused & accused me of parking my car >18 inches away from the curb on the street. 'that's it? you interurpted this orgy of hottness for an f'ing parking violation?!'. they called the cops & the hardware store for an official measurement. the verdict: it was 19 inches & i was arrested again for the parking violation & another contrib to delinq of minors.

recalling my 5 month unemployed stint in '02, i dialed 1800-call-sam to get sam bernstein on-board as counsel. he's personal injury, but whatevs. he got the delinq charges dropped but couldn't do a thing about the parking. the fox2 team is using all of their considerable resources to take me down. the girls have officially moved in. turns out they're 18. something tells me that fox2 is paying them, but i try to give hott girls the benefit of the doubt.

something tells me we won't be hearing anything else about these A2 girls & the fox2 problem solvers ever again

no buzz list  

1.) the blogger wars--far, far worse than the last 2 star wars movies combined, jar jar binks stizz. the lit's vs the rockers? sounds like a horrible sequel to the outsiders. less buzz than us indoor soccer matches. no one cares about your upcoming book deal, the crappy bands you're friends' w/ or promoting, or what have you. i'm getting recruited heavily by the nyc lit bloggers, as well as the nyc music bloggers who routinely devote their entire day to blowing the strokes. in fact, my inbox is full of nothing but recruiting letters. my choice? whoever sucks damore's d the best, that's his team---& by team i mean that you blow me, i still don't join up on your side, & just keep making fun of you. mmmmWORST

2.) fox2 problem solvers team--somebody get these reporters off my ass. a restraining order request was filed this morning by my attorney, sam bernstein

3.) white stripes (not the band, but the std)--i just contracted the 2nd known case of the std called 'white stripes' i think it was amber, maybe heather, or was it kat that gave me it? seers, it looks like a huge candy-cane. reaction from the docs' at st. john's hospital: 'sorry...we think you're f*cked'. not even condoms can protect you from 'white stripes'.

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