Friday, June 11, 2004

pistons choke LA w/ their glorious D 

get outta me!
so much uzz it's sick. pistons were judge judy , jury, & executioner last night & sentenced kobay to 3 nights of painful back-alley intrusions. kobe was limited to 1 field goal in the 1st half & 11 points total in the game. i was way off on the score (my prediction was d-town 9, rapers-7 in triple ot), but i got the outcome right. stones crush the lakers 88-68. ouch! games 4 & 5 will be pistons blow-outs as well, momentum is all detroit aces full. i expect the next 2 games to be auburn hills abortion clinics. once the lakers lose the series, LA has no more use for kobe. he didn't win a title for you this year & he's gonna leave la via free agency this summer (or jail time next year). you might as well stab him in the back OJ stizz before he tells YOUR city to bend over.

i watched the game at o'flats w/ many from the fow nation--i was pretty drunk, & got some chants going in the bar everytime kobe got the ball. i'm talking 'no means no!' & '1st OJ, now KoBay...stay away from the white girls' (kited from megan at employee comedy). no one joined in, but i found it amusing. i also enjoyed making fun of gary 'pampers' payton & luke 'i'm your father' walmarts. when it's bad, it's bad---the kobe defense team also suffered a big blow when the judge upheld the colorado rape shield law.

speaking of best, i got the new badly drawn boy, & it's so ephing good. i would go as far to say that it's a top 5 album of the year. it's definitely better than have you fed the fish?, & right up there w/ bewilderbeast & about a boy. there's over-the-top orchestrations, & jethro tull-esque flute added. heavy metal album of the year? maybe. big props to beej for burning that for me & big congrats to him & his wife, rachel, who are now expecting. cheers! you two are so grown up. makes me wish i did something w/ my life...eh, whatya gonna do.

lame. why is everyone in the d so ephing uptight? have a drink, relax. abc affiliate pulls the jimmy kimmel show last night over his joke about pistons fans torching the city when they win the series. kimmel said, 'what i said about pistons fans during halftime last night was a joke, nothing more. if i offended anyone i am sorry. clearly over the past 10 years, we in L.A. have taken a commanding lead in post-game riots. if the lakers win, i hope to overturn my own car'. i don't know if i'm more embarrassed by all of these pussies in the d whining about kimmel's joke, or kid rock & eminem at the game. this whole thing stinks of a poorly veiled attempt to oust kimmel due to poor ratings, & this is just a bs excuse.

jack white claims he's had the best year ever. maybe. he's got tons of fans, money, etc. i would say not really. playing on the same stage w/ beck would be enough for me to go on a 6 month bender in nyc, tim wheeler stizz, re-examine my life, & abuse prozac & whatever it is that courtney love is on.

get outta me!poor mini-me. a gold-digging wannabe playmate, genevieve gowman, is seeking financial spousal support from actor verne troyer. she produced documents she claims proves they were legally wed back in january. verne you got to be careful & plan ahead...pre-nups.

needs more drums lars! 

it's been awhile since blogging about other bloggers, so this is where i start giving head to other bloggers' stuff (that frankly i find less witty than most of my own stuff, but still good none-the-less). some stuff i found amusing or worthwhile:

check-out megan's post on employee comedy...it's a qwiki but a goody. since 'those'. best.

mo over at shebmo has a great write-up on the velvet revolver show titled bulletproof. the wild, shirtless lyrics of mark farner, the bong rattling bass of mel schacher, the competent drum work of don brewer...you know, grand funk...er velvet revolver.

'hot gin anyone?'god bless karen+1. her post today of the olsen twins senior pictures is priceless. love the druggie themed names. mary-cokate & hashley. mmmmBEST!

there's also a great line from her earlier post today re: lars,
'apparently being old gives you an excuse to be both a pussy and a dick.'

'editor's' note: i've met lars a few times, & he is a fucking prick.

the gorilla is covering editor duties on whatevs while grambo is in vegas paying tiger paw homage at the sigfreid & roy memorial. actually he'll probably just be getting drunk all weekend w/ so says i & the blueprint, blowing his life savings on betting how quickly chris cheliblos will spotted on tv next to his village people posse at the pistons/lakers game 4 in the d. anyway, the gorilla's 1st post is political think piece. by political i mean it's funny.

information leafblower reveals that grant hill might be getting traded somehow again. danny ainge...is there a worse gm in basketball? the #1 pick doesn't mean anything this year. okafor is a shorter clone of dikembe mutombo. dwight howard won't be a star for 7 years, until he's 25 & playing somewhere else (a la jermaine o'neal). i was so happy when the stones traded hill. i was even happier afterward when we found out ben wallace & chucky atkins could play.

almost as worse as solo scott stapp material, gavin rossdale is recording a solo album now. be happy you're married to gwen & spare the world from bleeding eardrum syndrome, & SIDS. no buzz.

durst!speaking of wurst, & i know i joked about this last week when creed announced their greatest hits album...fred durst & co reveal that they are going to release a greatest hits limp bizkit album late this year. it will feature 3 NEW unlistenable tracks. the titles say it all...'why?', 'relentless', & 'masturbation'. durst reveals that all 3 were inspired by the stages he went through when he got shot down by avril lavigne at the metallica tribute show. durst.

enough of that. tonight's game should be best. a crowd of psuedo-celeb douchebags in detroit should be funny. if i had to predict an outcome, i would have to say pistons-9 lakers-7 in triple ot. time to drink. bye.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

no buzz 6/10/04 

irrelevant5) garfield: the movie- stars jennifer love hewitt, & bill murray. is this really a commercially viable project? didn't the garfield tv cartoon die like 10 years ago? possibly the worst cartoon strip ever, next to 'kathy' of course. if JLH is in it, it must be REALLY bad. she hasn't made a good movie, since... well, okay, she's never made a good movie. i still likey her alot even if she makes crappy movies, & her tv shows make 'cop & a half' look like the greatest movie since 'dumb & dumber'. CG animal stars have no buzz. let me guess, garfield eats alot of lasagna? wouldn't see it even if heidi klum was giving free hojo's at the forum30.

4) 2004 mtv movie awards: wow, musical performances by d12 & the yeah yeah yeahs? no no no. celeb skanks paris hilton & carmen electra kiss, & detroit douchebag m&m moons the crowd. why watch it at 9pm tonight, you already know what's going to happen cos it taped like 2 weeks ago. it will be re-played 300 times by july, & the pistons/lakers are on tonight. any movie award show where winners include '50 first abortions', 'freaky friday abortion', & 'X2- x-men: back alleys revealed' has no buzz.

'coach, don't make me say that, i like japanese people'3) bill parcells, the racist: uses racial slurs in a press conference, says 'no offense intended', & it's 5x5 w/ the nfl & the cowboys' org? just because you look like rodney dangerfield in caddy shack doesn't mean you can call every asian-american 'wang, no offense'. if i was an asia-pacific islander, i would be pretty po'ed right now. if it had been a racial slur referencing african americans in some way, you bet he would have been more heavily reprimanded. since there are very few asian-americans in the league, they looked the other & are trying to sweep it under the rug. shame on you nfl & jerry jones!

2) 'rock star': survivor & apprentice creator & douchebag extraordinaire, mark burnett, is pitching an idea for an irreality tv show where contestants would compete for an opportunity to sing in a rock band & potentially go out on tour w/ the band. what, did this guy spend all of last weekend watching vh1's 'movies that rock'? cos i'm pretty sure the movie by the exact same name & exact same premise played 12 times over the past weekend, & it's horrible. how about this for a reality show: take all of the famous reality tv show creatives, make them compete for their lives each week by creating a reality tv show that doesn't suck. the winner stays alive. that should end the entire genre once & for all.

1) rapists: nice shot in game 2, KoBay Simpson. some rapists have all the luck. you shouldn't even be playing basketball this year. i know you're to be presumed innocent & all (until you're inevitably proven guilty), but did you see OJ doing hertz commercials/nbc commentating when he got pinched for murdering nicole & goldman? no. the lakers have no class, & no buzz. jason kid beats his wife & he gets traded from phoenix to jersey because of it. if you were rick fox, or some other scrub, no doubt you would've been dealt or axed. those greedy LA fucks!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004


'rip, i stick it in you, eagle colorado stizz!'when you're wrong, you're wrong. if i were to provide a 1 word review of my morning today, it would be 'crestfallen'. seeing the pistons overcome an 11 point 3rd quarter deficit, up 6 w/ under a minute left in the 4th. only to lose the lead on a shaq (notherapist) 3-point play & an uncontested kobe (therapist) 3-ball w/ 2.1secs left, to send it into OT. worst. the pistons were shell-shocked new order stizz & were dispondant in the ot period. now they have to come back home & re-group. that loss has to sting badly today, & i'm sure the re-eye flight back was pretty quiet.
walton or hans from 'the burbs'?despite the loss, it was great to see gary payton crying on the bench about his lack of pt, & it was WORST to see luke walton having success. I EPHING HATE BILL WALTON & ANYTHING SPAWNED BY HIM!!!!!!!!!

2 things can happen now: a) the pistons use this loss as motivation & rebound back to game 1 defensive form or b) they crumble from a devastating loss & lose in 5. knowing this team (as a fan), my bet is that they win game 3, they split at home & steal game 5 in LA. game 6 is where they win it back at home.

so if you're not keeping track at home, the series stands at pistons-1, rapists-1. all we need is bob seger to perform at every game's half-time show in the d, & we're golden, as in richard golden from D.O.C. eph kid rock, eph aretha franklin & her house of skank. it's all about seger. btw, i love all of you smug LA fucks!

bloggers have been dropping off like flies lately. last week, peabs & glamorama called it quits, this week ultragrrrl did too. i see grambo's keeping tabs of the causalities on whatevs under 'R.I.P.'

pac man fever!this just in...brits love homer simpson. they recently voted his classic catch-phrase 'doh!' #1 on the all-time tv comedy faves list in nuts magazine (crazy brits). #2 was 'don't panic' from some show i've never heard of. doh is now even in the oxford english dictionary:
'expressing frustration at the realization that things have turned out badly or not as planned or that one has just said or done something foolish. also implying that another person has said or done something foolish.' best.
remember when magic said, 'i just pulled a homer'? that should be in there too.

a bad sign for joey? seems that his neighbor's character is getting re-casted. 1st chink in the armor of nbc's thursday night behemoth? yes. this show is going to bomb. i expect it will get joey butafuco'ed mid-season.

contraband--the new velvet revolver album is best. rock & roll--plain & simple. if you don't like stp, you won't like it. if you don't like heavy guitar riffs, you won't like it. if you suck, you won't like it. for the record, i bought the black album cover disc.

everyones' favorite libertines stalkers report that pete doherty is going to 'rehab' in thailand. yeah, that makes sense! he'll be dead by monday. coincidentally they just happen have some of the best & most easily accessible drugs there. enjoy that last hit of smack, douchebaggio. can't wait for the memorial concert & the dvd's to be released on amazon.db.

damn. i sure am sad that loretta lynn has had to postpone summer tour dates due to her bad back. no jack white durstness to be revealed in concert this summer in the d? best. i saw that blogger is now issuing a promo-douche-pack to every new blogger member. included are copies of van lear rose, franz ferdinand, & modest mouse. worst.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

body massage 

sick f*ckthe billboard nom's are in & r-kells leads w/ 7, including male r&b artist most likely to (statutorily) rape your teenage daughter (in his mind), & best golden shower home video footage, featuring 14 year old girls. must be new categories, kind of sick if you ask me. kells was reportedly angry that his home video editing work & special effects were snubbed by the nomination committee. special effects being him wizzing in a bottle of the cris', having his 15 year old wife pour it all over her chest, & drink the rest. r-kells then does a voice-over saying, 'do you like, tasting my urine all up in that bitch?'.

this just in, back-alley's across the US were taking #'s in delta force last night. nielsen ratings for last night's tonys award show have been tallied & indicate that the show bit hugh-jass. in fact, possibly the least watched tonys ever. hmmm, hugh jackman as the host? maybe the worst host decision ever. ok, ok--whoopi goldberg, jeff goldblum, susan sarandon, & billy crystal all would've been far worse. let's pick a male actor, who's not funny, & is best known for playing the role of a childrens'-comic-book freak in 2 movies, & van helsing in this year's unrelated sequel to league of extraordinary gentlemen. who cares about the tonys anyway, who watches this crap anyway.

tonight's pistons/lakers game in the la should be another good one. i hope the court stays dry during the game though. gary payton has been crying & pouting like me when i was 5 & my mom wouldn't buy me the g.i. joe cobra command center. baby i'm boredseriously, he's pissed cos his teammates aren't getting him involved in the offense enough, after shooting something like 1-4 w/ 3 points in sunday's game1. he wouldn't talk to the media after the game or yesterday, & was fined 5 grand. now his team-mates have to deal w/ that bs w/ the media. you're a former all-nba player, gary. suck it up & be a man you little beyotch. start acting like an ephing veteran. sorry LA, but you knew what you were getting when you signed him in the off-season. a ball-hogging tempermentally explosive guard past his prime w/ a big ego. don't be surprised if this implodes your team. prediction for tonight's game2: pistons 91, lakers 29

ac/dc to get a street named after them in melbourne, austria. beloved so much that even the austrians have adopted ac/dc as their own sons since so many ignorant americans confuse ac/dc as being from either austria or australia. (link via c friggs)

worstbill parcells, not one to ever by outdone by jeremy shockey, ups the ante by moving on from 4th grade homophobe semantics (ie 'the homo '), & spews out 1940's japanese racial haterade slur-pees in an interview. are you seers big tuna? more like big douchebag. parcells...the racist.

Monday, June 07, 2004

dodgy is the new sketchy 

if you don't want read about the high profile surprise wedding from the weekend, you've come to the right place. if you want to read about dido, the stones, gene simmons & velvet revolver...

i'll get to the stones huge win over the lakers in a minute...
dodgy dido
last night's dido show at the fox theatre, in the d, was probably the sleeper show of the year. meaning it will go down as the best show of the year, but expectations weren't that high going in. the fow nation (seantizz, grizz, mandypants*, nummer, gp jen & grambo) met up at the town pump pre-show for drinks. rarely do perks like suite tix come my way, but i was able to score 4 tix in my employer's suite for the show, & 2 free parking passes. we got to the venue a little after 8, missing the opener jonathon rice. grambo had a solo ticket, so i pulled some dodgy manuevers to get him into the suite too. i'll throw myself some props on that, cos it was the best scamola ever. dido went on at 8:30, & was 100% pure hottness wearing jeans & white top, being as graceful as a butterfly. her bass player was wearing a pistons jersey, & dido made several references to the pistons/lakers game-- stroking detroit's egos by supporting the stones. mmmmBEST! her accent, so so best. the crowd of 4500 fell in love w/ her instantly.

btw, she's not moving to LA. her voice sounded so good, & her band was tight, going through a good mix of songs from no angel & life for rent, plus 1 or 2 i wasn't familiar with. in total, i think she played 15 or 16 songs. thankfully eminem was nowhere to be seen when she played 'thank you'. i always thought that dido made eminem, not vice-versa. em's song stan features dido/thank you & pretty much makes that song. that song blew up & made him a god. w/out dido, eminem is hanging at pistons games drinking beers w/ kid rock & chris cheliblos acting like a jackass. anyway, back to dido---i've never heard more beautiful banter in-between songs--is there a prettier voice in the word? dido even threw out the term 'dodgy', as in 'dodgy holiday flings'. it forever replaces my use of shady or sketchy from now on. dodgy. this will probably the best concert i go to this year. unless the verve reunites to play at my x-mas party. that good. since i started writing this some 3 hours ago, grambo has posted his review--check it out. HOLLA!

dodgy billupsdee-troit basssket-ball. dee-troit basssket-ball. dee-troit basssket-ball. dee-troit basssket-ball. the pistons shockey the world & dominate the la lakers in an 87-75 victory in game one of the finals. i'm still sticking w/ my pistons in six prediction, although a sweep is possible. la...bunch of ephing students!

proving ever the d-bag, gene simmons to release a boxed set of 100 songs unfathomably even worse than anything spawned by kiss. i hate this band. i hate that they mass market & license all their crap like krusty the clown. mostly, cos their music sucks, & they're treated like royalty. can you tell that i don't like gene simmons? it didn't help hearing the jag-off on npr a few months ago being a total a-hole to the female interviewer. pretty much the only kiss song i ever liked was 'i wanna rock & roll all night, & party every day'. mostly because it's in 'dazed & confused' though.

06/08/04--contraband. velvet revolver. so much buzz. tomorrow, their album hits stores everywhere. here's an interesting story i found on the band this morning. contraband...some say the new strays.
(link via the gorilla)

Sunday, June 06, 2004

without warning 

gimme that coke!remember that terrible joke from like '88--what do bob probert & william 'the fridge' perry have in common? they're both full of coke. well flash forward 16 years & the fridge is full of 8 deep dish digornos & probert is still fully stocked w/ 8-balls. probey was arrested friday morning in delray beach, & things got so bad that police even had to taser him several times. probert parked his car in the wrong direction, started yelling several men on the street for gay tricks, & got out of his car & tried starting a fight. he then tried fighting the police. they shockey'ed him 5-10 times w/ the tasers.

upon getting to the west palm county, probert listed his name as the alias 'the bad one'. this is the former hockey player best known for 6 dui's, & trying to smuggle coke from canada to detroit in his boxer shorts--there was a liter of jack daniels sitting on the dash, & he was wasted. real smart, you douchebag.
(link via bigmatt)

why was there no warning given by the grizz? i went out friday night to seantizz & jenbo's abode in royal oak & bbq'd w/ peabs, grambo, jpmckrengels, the grizz & mandypants*. i stayed pretty much sober, & left at 12:30am to meet up at the bar down the street from my house. i had 5 drinks in ~1 hour, got pretty buzzed, & went home. watching the tv box, i decided to check out who was guesting on last call w/ carson d-bag, & was floored. they were showing a re-run from last june featuring miss tru davies, & the late fred berry (re-run from what's happening). mmmmmBEST! i caught her entire interview, which was pure hottness. i think she reads whatevs & retrobuzz cos she said the following (twice!), 'kills your buzz', a reference to taxi cab confessions (avaleesh!), & again used the term 'buzz'. best! she was wearing black leather pants w/ the sides cut-out (btvs faith stizz) & a black tank-top sporting 'diablo'. lucky for the grizz, i stumbled upon it, & was able to tape it. here are the screencaps...

speaking of carson douchesdaly, wtf was the outfit he wore at the horse track saturday at the belmont? worst.

dirty mckean sighted jeff tweedy walking through wicker park last night in czechago. tweedy was sporting trucker hat. must have been in disguise. i doubt there will be many better albums released this year than wilco's 'a ghost is born'. it's been stuck on repeat on my ipod (in my mind).

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