Friday, April 02, 2004

chris cheliblos 

so damore was having a rough morning today. running low again on glue sticks, i had to run to joann fabrics to buy 100 sticks to cover production. i decided to take a more scenic route to avoid bridge traffic on i75. i went downtown on fort street to take the lodge to i94. some douchebag driving like an ephing tourist is in the wrong lane, & w/out signaling, proceeds to cut me off to make the turn. this db had illinois plates on his 1950-something whatever. let's call it a mint black studebaker (sp?), which has like zero retrobuzz. i lay on the horn for like 5 seconds, giving the 'wtf yell w/ arms in the air'.

we both turn, he gets in the middle lane, he then realizes he again is in the wrong lane, needing to get in my lane to enter the freeway. he starts drifting over (again w/ no turn signal), to the point i thought he's gonna to hit my ghetta. i honk for like 5 secs again. he takes exception, gets back in the middle lane & stops next to me. he rolls down his window & starts yelling at ME saying 'you fucking dumbass! can't you see my fucking turn signals asshole?!' the nerve. so i roll down my passenger window & say 'fuck you, you fucking douche! you fucking suck, chris chelios!! your car has NO retrobuzz asshole!'.
yes, the douchebag i got into a curse war with was none other than red wings' defenseman chris cheliblos. it was pretty cool because i immediately recognized him once he stopped next to me--then to curse him out was best. it totally made my day in fact. i called in a 'whatevs watcher' to uncle grambo, but had to leave him a vmail account. seers, this account is all tru except for the 'retrobuzz' crack about his car. wish i woulda thought of that.

no buzz poll (post) 

4/01/04 USA TODAY Post-No Buzz Poll
The OC 'The Nana'

1) Chino (70)- back together w/ coop. maybe OJ can 'goldman' the 2 of them.
1) Coop (70)- you should have gone to pittsburgh to live w/ anna. they'd fatten you up there too.
3) Nana (37)-die already, no one likes you. the treatments' won't work. give up & go back to nyc to die.
4) Julie Cooper (35)- you caved-in to coop's threat to publicly expose your affair w/ luke in like 1 sec flat. nice mom.
5) Cohen (29)embarrassed of summer? reading in bed w/ summer, reading comic books while sitting on your bed w/ summer. loser, that's why she's going to dump your ass soon. you've fallen further than fran healy post 'the man who'.
*1st place votes indicated in parenthesis

the AP voters could not be reached for poll results. the pre-poll is a guess of the outcome, the post-poll is the actually outcome after the episode airs.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

1 thought per minute 

the oc-'the nana'

1. what's this...is the oc an all collage retrospectve look-back ep? eddie punches chino into a pool, cohen/chino discover luke/julie's affair, jimmy rescues hailey from a strip club...wait, it's just the 'previously on the oc' beginning clips.
2. j coop asks seth/luke to leave her/chino alone: what, are you going to eph chino now?
3. chino re: coop's whereabouts from her vmail: 'she's somewhere no one would think to look for her'? um, a restaurant.
4. chino- 'not if i find her 1st'. are you back in 4th grade watching 'stand by me' a la 'see you later...not if i see you 1st'
5. phantom planet...used to be so good, what happened?
6. wtf is bob dylan doing in a victoria secret comercial?
7. cohen: don't use abreevs like R.A. & G.P., they have no buzz
8. retro- luke is a bully again & cohen is back to loser
9. hailey makes a nice breakfast, but no freebie lap-dances? c'mon!
10. hailey searching for restaurant jobs: hooters is hiring, or you can just ruin the lighthouse.
11. summer- sfb! anna+summer>cohen+summer
12. cohen- you blow, summer should drop your ass
13. josh schwartz- what have you done? you ruined sandy in this ep.
die nana die!!
14. nana appears, says 'hello', & i already want her dead.
15. nana to hailey: 'you, i don't know'. obvs, the strung-out call girl stripper.
16. oliver mentioned- chino talked to natalie, the hotel concierge? like she & ollie were tight. makes sense.
17. chino figures out where coop is hiding. get real, he's not so smart. she's in chino, home of cheap crank/pills, & where tricks pay well.
18. uh, why would coop go to that girl's house that chino slept w/ like a week ago, not to mention 500 times prior?
19. theresa & eddie- so walmarts!
20. chino at theresa's- why can't chino pick which awful girl he wants?
21. no fight yet, decent start.
22. cohen- um, why do you care what nana thinks about summer? you're dating summer, who cares what grandma thinks, she'll be dead soon anyway.
23. summer, so hott.
24. someone please dirty bomb this party.
25. coop to chino- 'then why are you here?!' uh, i could ask you the same thing coop.
26. jimmy no doubt was hoping hailey brought a basket of s&m goodies (hand-cuffs, whips, chains, strap-ons, etc), not a basket of cookies/cup-cakes & pasta.
27. now coop's dad is gay? i'm confused, i thought that it was luke's dad.
28. hailey, yes, no one cares about you. now leave newport.
29. chino- 'i'm not going back to newport w/o you.' coop-'well good, then you're staying too.' yes, please stay in chino.
30. nana drops the lung cancer bomb- i laugh & have a cigarette.
31. eddie & his menudo crew of douchebags- do all chino db's wear sam walton wife-beaters?
32. coop- 'we need to get some alcohol...(& clean this arm up)'- you lush, can't you stop thinking about booze for like 5 secs?
33. luke/julie coop make ME want to puke up all MY meals.
34. nana's pretty cool- smoking in the backyard.
35. worst engagement party ever. barbed-wire fencing, coop, theresa, the ghetto n'synchers, a giant parrot on a tree perch. where's the boones & MD 20/20?
throw cohen in the dumpster
36. coop & theresa=best friends. makes sense.
37. cohen- the rooney poster takes major points away from having a dcfc poster.
38. toooo much chino/coop. worst drama scene ever. bad tantrum/crying, even as fox dramas go.
39. luke/coop- um, coop, you & luke fell-out last summer in TJ. so he slept w/ your mom? at least he didn't sleep w/ your dad.
40. funny, i thought coop's arm would break slapping luke's face.
41. theresa sure has a deep voice.
42. no nana, go back to nyc for treatments. then die.
43. jimmy really wants to get laid...hailey is so easy.
44. worst episode ever.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

the pollsters have spoken! 

co-national champs=no buzz
3/31/04 USA TODAY Pre-No Buzz Poll - The OC 'The Nana' 

1) Coop (61)- so your mom's been sleeping w/ your ex-ex. go get some pain-killers, tequila, & some heroin, flee to chinotown & finish the job you started in TJ...STAT! 
1) Chino (61)- brooding looks, fights, wife-beaters, coop...i'd like a double-suicide order for 2 w/ a side of ranch please.  
3) Seth (42)- you don't deserve summer, less talking equals a good start.
4) Julie Cooper (31)- what's next, are you going to start banging coop's ex-ex boyfriend's gay dad?  
5) Luke (29)- you banged coop, then you banged her mom. quit whining & move on to dating adult film stars already. get yourself a big 40 & just party. 
*1st place pre-votes indicated in parenthesis

3/31/04 AP Pre-No Buzz Poll - The OC 'The Nana'

1) Coop (71) - The heart shirt from 'the la' put the whore in whore-ible
2) Chino (48) - Ultimatums, brooding looks and more fights in chino
3) Grady (42) - The worst thing about The Valley.
4) Hailey (34) - No one cares about you, go back to stripping
5) Seth (29)- Talk less.
*1st place pre-votes indicated in parenthesis

i picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue 

-another great line from letterman last night: 'if you're keeping score at home that's courtney love: 2, janet jackson: 1'

ah, glue...my one weakness, my achilles heal if you will
not much of a post today, i'm slammed. must say, dcfc show was excellent & it was fun hanging out w/ seantizz & lembeck at the show. dcfc went through mostly transatlanticism/photo album, & a early tracks (at least 1 from something about airplanes). for what i saw of them, they were great. i literally got something like 10 calls from work on my cell w/ an 'emergency' sitch. the production at the plant was running out of glue sticks. i shit you not. glue sticks for hot glue guns. anyway, i missed ~half their 50min set because of that, not seeing more than 10min of it uninterupted.

anyway, a funny story from the show is that i was getting all these work calls, & trying to find someplace quiet to talk/hear. i kinda spaced-out after having two $6.50 beers. so i'm on the phone & walk into the bathroom. someone tries to interupt me & i still am not really paying attention to them. then she says, 'what the hell are you doing in the women's bathroom?!'. i'm like 'sorry, it's an emergency call & it's quieter than the men's room'. i was pretty embarassed but i think i played it well. maybe not.

$6.50 beers & $3 waters=no buzz. some say the auto industry has even less buzz. bhears.

-be sure to check out dwinkerswinkers today--uncle grambo fields fly balls re: blogs, whatevs, pop culture, bynes & brit.

-later today, i'll post the pre-OC AP & USA Today No Buzz polls-'The Nana'.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

qwiki mart 

how worst was janet's appearance on letterman last night? 1st off, she came out in full-on cleavage w/ a very revealing low-cut red dress w/ fully exposed mid-riff w/ a silver picture frame around her navel area. also the sides of the dress were cut-out. her attire alone begged the questions to be asked. why dress so provocatively on the late show if you didn't didn't want to be asked about it? good question.

letterman was sfbest, he just kept hammering at her about the 'malfunction' & whether it was intended or not, & how she didn't know about. was it that timberlake's fault, mtv, etc? she kept insisting that it was 'an accident' & not planned. dumbass, why not just say you made a bad judgement call, apologize, & it's end of story, no where to go. she was pissed off at dave for the asking of so many questions about it. um, you caused the biggest stir in the media, congress is still having hearings over it. obvs it's a big deal.

dave, listened to her pleas, then he changed the topic to jacko. has jacko gone wacko? what was britney thinking? is demi moore ready to be mrs. kutcher?
look at my boobs

she became visibly po'ed again & said she couldn't talk about it. she even said she admired herself for having her mom's strength to get through these difficult times, as if she didn't bring it all upon herself. what a helpless victim, acting like someone close to her had died or something. for shame.

finally dave was like, well what do YOU want to talk about? i think they talked about her new crappy album for 1-2min. can't remember, didn't really care much about that.

your album is going to flop, bill laimbeer stizz. your hosting gig on snl is going to be the WORST. good luck w/ that if you couldn't make it through 15 min on letterman.


old-man stink! 

bret hart sues lloyds of london for $2.2mills for career-ending concussion suffered in 99 at the foot of goldberg. wrestling blogs...is there anything better? i still love the simpson's ep when mr burns goes broke & the hit man goes to buy his house, & the shrieking shiek lives in the neighborhood.
Old-man Stink: Mr. Burns goes broke and is forced to sell his mansion. One of the potential buyers? None other than wrestler Bret "The Hitman" Hart.

Real Estate Agent: And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.
Bret: Eww. This place has got old-man stink!
Burns: Ooh.
Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

The agent also reminds Bret that he isn't the only wrestler in the neighborhood -- the Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors down.

i'm excited for tonight's deathcab/ben kweller show in royal oak. i've only heard the rumors that folds & kweller have a bet going that they will be able to recruit ben gibbard to join 'the bens' (along w/ ben lee). maybe it's already been announced & i'm way behind & this is stale buzz. hopefully some details will be revealed tonight, or backblog style.

in the holy shit, i was so wrong dept: scooby-doo 2 kills lady killers, jesus henry christ, zombies, & a new jersey girl at the box office. $29.3mills over the weekend. when you're wrong, you're just plain wrong. it must have been the incredible acting of one matthew lillard. strong showing doesn't mean it was good, but i was expecting a children of the corn 8 type of debut.

in the 'no shit dumbass dept', it's great to again hear moz on the radio. even 89x is giving the new single 'Irish Blood, English Heart' strong air play. it sounds like the mozzer is back rambo 1st blood stizz. very rocking, hasn't lost a step. i'm very jealous of the lucky folks in nyc (not to mention la) who will be blessed w/ 5 shows in harlem at the apollo. cheers!

be sure to check the exclusive interview on dwinkerswinkers featuring uncle grambo from whatevs. i haven't seen the article yet, but rumor has it that it's cherry buzz cola in fountain form. mmmmBEST!

lastly, as clarification, the franz ferdinand 'no buzz' bit i posted yesterday was dark humor. a bit of a caricature if you will. i don't think you suck if you like ff, & i don't think your music taste sucks if you like ff. if you do, sweet. if not, sweet. arguing about bands has no buzz, so i probably have negative buzz. for the record, i like the following similar music: rapture, longwave, stellastarr*, walkmen, elefant, strokes, interpol.

if you took it as a dig on you, that wasn't the intent. it's kind of a pitchfork parody where they shit on anything w/ buzz because it's too popular. so i think that ff is shit--not my cup of tea. who ephing cares what i think? only me. bad taste, kwobvs. anyway, hope this help explain the basis. that being said i should stiil prob watch out for oj knives at coach. if you're out there in ps for it, we'll drink a big 40, & just party, deputy winston stizz. i've said it before & it won't be the last time, this site is all bs.

Monday, March 29, 2004

no buzz list 

strangely i'm in a really good mood now, i just met the greatest band in the world & saw them in concert at clutch durstos. so consider this criticism to be toned down a notch, i'm still glowing from the buzz.

1.) franz ferdinand- wtf is this shite? after seeing this band cause multiple orgasms all-over nyc blogs, i decided to see what all the fuss was about. i picked up their self-titled lp debut a couple day's ago. i didn't even make it past 30 seconds into the 4th track, matinee(?) before flinging this ephing back-alley abortion of a cd out the window of my moving car going 75 on i-94. sounds like a worse version of every other good nyc band the past couple years. normally the shitty cd's i buy are used as coasters or as flying discs to amuse myself when i'm drunk. not so much.

just cos they're a new band w/ 80's retro sound, doesn't mean that they don't blow hermit crab genitals. it certainly does not imply that they have any retrobuzz, cos they don't. obvs i don't get the nyc centered infatuation w/ these ephing tourists. can all 5 strokes members no longer get it up? can some blogger hook-up julian & co w/ some enhancers, like viagra or the 2 other leading brands?

worst name evs as well--archduke, the heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire? might as well be called 'Hello Kitty' fcs. maybe bloggers are challenging themselves to see which crappy new bands they can inflate to legend status. maybe it's an inside joke on morons (like myself) to see if all their 'buzz' can induce someone to buy a mediocre band's cd. throw tv on the radio in this same class. largely unlistenable. terrible singer. whatevs. if you do like these bands, cool. if not, cool. it's not like my opinion that they blow means that you yourself do. it just means that your taste in music in these isolated cases suck leprechaun genitals. don't even get me started on the america jr bloggers (jr varsity canadians).

2.) scooby doo 2- the first one was hands-down the WORST MOVIE EVER. who's the genius who decided to spend another $50 some mill's to try & make an even worse movie w/ a sequel? probably the most unness sequel since men in black II , & the worst since caddyshack II. not even the lovely smg gives this movie any redeeming quality. 1st off her douchebag husband is in it, & 2nd'ly her douchebag husband is it. mmm mmmWORST

3.) WHAM!, the musical- the duo of george michael & andy ridgeley are shopping rights to a musical featuring the the music of Wham!. if this ever happens, please call dr. jack & get me one of his suicide machines. just the thought makes me reach for sharp objects laying around the house. sfdurst.
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 c'mon people!

4.) richard simmons- for shame richard. you always seem like a good sport on letterman when all dave does is make fun of you the entire time. cited for misdemeanor assault 3/24 for slapping another passenger who made a sarcastic remark about one of his exercise videos: 'Hey everybody It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s'. you're washed-up richard. you should have just followed that jerk's lead- laugh, & then yell 'c'mon everyone!' & kicked it right into 'sweating to the oldies', vol 3 stizz. you'd be shooting car-chase movies w/ dom deloiuse & burt reynolds as we speak.

5.) more zombie movies- while the world needs more rob zombie movies, it does not need anymore (non-rob) zombie movies. 'the dawn of the dead'--the title alone is a rip-off of the 2003 zombie cult classic 'house of the dead', which was totally best btw. resident evil, 28 days later, house of the dead, etc. how many more re-hashes of the exact same premise can we possibly need? i say none. unless it's a follow-up to 'house of the dead'.

6.) anonymous blogs- if you don't have the stones to bash peeps w/out the front of the 'blog dish', you have absopure'ly no buzz in my book. if you're going to call someone's stuff shite, do it it as yourself, not as some faceless douchebaggio. that being said, i think it's still pretty funny, & obvs it's done by an insider they're all friends with.

7.) ryan seacrest- not that he's ever had any buzz, he's just getting into the 7th circle of worstness. on 'american idol' & his talk show, he's been using the phrases 'seacrest in', 'seacreast out' & 'and we're live...that's your queue everybody'. trying to replace durst as worst.

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